So I looked on DA today and ... gasp... I have not done a journal on this account yet . I started school like two and a half weeks ago and Im really not having a good time. I came out of a small charter school were my whole grade was 32 people and I was sent to a giant school were my class is 1700 something. Sure, I have made a couple friends, but I dont feel challenged. I am on the verge of a 4.0 without hardly trying; I do have to admit its nice to not have to half kill myself to do it, but Im board.

I react to just about every thing with stress; death, school, deadlines, friends and any thing else you could think of. My Grandfather died of terminal cancer about a week ago; we were very close, because of this Im kinda depressed and out of source. It looks like my mom and step dad may get a divorce as well(a large part due to me); contrasting with my dad and his mystery girlfriend from, who he calls about every 15 minutes.

My mental state is fairly messed up; about a month ago I got my mother to start appointments with a councilor for me. I had my first appointment a couple days ago; the therapist said I had depression, anorexia and GID(gender identity disorder, take two minutes and Google it, I wont explain it to you).

I have struggled with eating for my entire life so it wasn't that big of a shock; I have not eaten anything substantial for the past two weeks, I think I'v lost 12 pounds, a big deal when you way 120. The reason why I was trying to get help in the first place was because of the fact that my transgender feelings had gotten to the point where I was almost suicidal.

Only about three months ago my mom found out I was attracted to men (I am a biological male) when I was "outed" by a pastor at my church. I have all ways kinda felt that I should have bean a girl, but the last year and a half have bean like nothing before. I absolutely hate my body (the cause for my anorexia) and Im scared to death of my body changing any more than it all ready has, some days Ill obsess over some part of my body until I actually have physical pain. The hardest part of all are those rare days when I start doubting myself; I feel like an idiot and have a huge amount of regret.

My mom is a medical doctor so she knows that this is something very important; she is very supportive and without her I probably would have done something I would regret, if I was able to. I have not told any one else in my family; Im a very private person and dont tell people something unless they need to know. Im under the impression that my family thinks Im gay, but thats all. Most people wouldn't guess I wasn't happy with my gender, if Im mentally a girl Im the most tomboyish girl ever; Im actually repulsed by pink, afraid of infants, hate emotional people and spent four months in a tent over the past two years.

My step dad is horribly homophobic and is disgusted by the fact that I like boys, he has said some very offensive things to me, this is a large reason why my parents are getting divorced. I generally just avoid him.

So back to a positive note. Im feeling a bit better and starting to get some sort of appetite back; I'v gained one pound ! My doctor is starting to talk about a possible physical intervention(puberty stopping drugs); and Im applying to an arts boarding school in California. Im also working on a typography piece thats going on a 6 by 8 foot billboard on a medium sized highway near my home for the school I just came out of, Il get it on DA soon.